17 June 2006 — William just left Hua Hin yesterday, together with Jeff and Serene. Later today, they are all heading back to their respective homes. At this point, I yearn to leave with them…

It has been a month since I last wrote. In this place, time is protracted, daily events are intensified, and a month feels more like three. I have not been in much of a mood to write, nor speak. Haven’t felt this insular in a long while. Smiling requires effort. But I do so people around me won’t bug me about how I am. For them I flash my pearly whites and pretend everything is ok.

Inside, numbness resides. I guess it is still better than the state I was in on the 4th of June when William arrived. Back then, I was a mess. The isolation I felt at that point was so severe that against my own better judgment, I crumbled and SOSed him for help. I knew he would come. And yes, his presence here has been very comforting. Of course the surprise of having Jeff and Serene in Bangkok and then later here in Hua Hin has also helped immensely. I think as we get older, we really appreciate our old friends more and more. The ease of being around them, the understanding that you don’t have to try.

I did not realize I would miss that quite so much. Yes, the ease of being around William. To know in silence he is there for me, always. Over the years, I guess I have taken that for granted. It is good perhaps to reawaken the gratitude I feel.

I realize it’s not just him that I miss when he’s not around. I miss the me, the inner self that comes out to play when I am around him. He lets me be. The absolute freedom to be.

Now amongst strangers, in an environment where I am constantly being watched and judged, I have lost that freedom. I am consciously “policing” myself. Yes, my initial naïve impression of CS is unraveling at the seams even as we speak… there is so much more than meets the eye. I feel weary just approaching the subject, and more so, a claustrophobic sense of heaviness.

Thailand is the land of smiles, and now having lived here, that smile is not as innocent as it seems. There is no such thing as a harmless question. It is seemingly impossible in this place where every drop of information you manage to squeeze out of someone becomes fodder for grand imaginary fantasies, often harsh, unforgiving and malicious in nature. At first I tried not to care, but it takes effort, not caring, and after a while, it starts to drain you, not caring. And you start to get paranoid, you start to doubt everyone around you, you question their real motive. It just gets way too tiring, and so I’ve learnt to be quiet, to silence myself. I play no more.

If I was amongst family and peers, I might put up a better fight. But on my own, it’s just easier to “fit in”. Why fight a losing battle…

And now… what now my friends? Now, I withdraw, letting my guard down no more. I play the game, the role that is required of me. The work is good and hence I’ll stay, but when the day comes that I have stopped learning, then I’ll know to go. In the meantime, I’ll tolerate it. For a while more, I think I can. Numbness is good for now, there’s no pain with numbness. And in this silence I’ll wait. I’ll wait it out. Hopefully this phase too shall pass…

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 17th, 2006 at 2:21 pm and is filed under General Ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.