22 Nov 2006 — Much to the dismay of my hubby, I’m at it again. This time I’m off to the Maldives! Yep, I’ve just been offered the position of “Lifestyle consultant/Naturopath” at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. (Oh thank gawd! Finally she’s not talking about food!)

I know what you must be thinking, “Wow you really don’t want to go to the US huh?” Well NOW do you believe me? But let me clarify this very moment though that this has got nothing whatsoever to do with William. I absolutely love him to bits, and if I could have my way, I’d pack him in my suitcase and lug him to Maldives with me. But see, just as he wouldn’t do that for me, at this point, I also don’t wish to follow him to Virginia to be a wife. Really, it’s all business, nothing personal. But won’t I miss him? Of course I will! I’ll probably miss him terribly and yearn for him with every inch of my body, heart and soul. Yet, if in foregoing the comfort of his presence for the moment I might gain independence, then that’s something I’m willing to concur with. For so many years, I have relied so heavily on him physically, mentally, emotionally and monetarily that slowly by slowly, I’ve felt the loss of self-reliance. I also have the stinking sinking feeling that this will only degenerate further if I was to follow him to the States at this point.

Having just turned 30, on the verge of a wedding, and before having kids, if for no one else but myself, I need to prove that I can survive on my own, and more importantly, that I can be my own person. Someone quite distinct from William’s girlfriend, then fiancee, and finally, wife. I need to rediscover the person that I was, all autonomous and free, before I became someone’s partner. That had been my intention when I first went to Hua Hin earlier this year. I guess going there taught me I’m courageous enough to take the first step. Now I have to follow through with the mission to reclaim my identity and self-worth. This is unfinished business.

Thing is, as relieved as I was to leave Hua Hin, ever since returning to Sydney, I’ve had the nagging feeling that I didn’t give it a fair go. When I say “it”, it does not necessarily mean Chiva Som, I think it refers more to the experience of living on my own. Instead of hanging in there and sticking it out — highs and lows; good, bad and the ugly — I called it quits too soon, taking the easy way out, and depriving myself the chance to learn and grow from the experience, to bring it to fruition. It was with these thoughts in mind when just last week, I started surfing the Nature Care Job Folder and came across the Hilton ad. At that point, I had no intention of looking for a job, rather I was just checking to see all the exciting offers that I’m missing out on. I thought my fate was sealed, I was going to the US and that was that. So I don’t even know what it was that propelled me to send in my resume. Perhaps because the ad was already two weeks’ old and in my mind, they’d most probably already found someone. I thought, “I’ll just send it in and see what happens. No strings attached.”

The other thing was that I’m of the belief that if there was a lesson that had to be learnt, you would constantly be brought back to the same situations until you have learnt it. This could be over one lifetime, or even several lifetimes. So in sending that email to Hilton, I also whispered a silent message to God that if “this” was my lesson, if it was meant to be, then and only then, let me get the job. The way I see it, there is no such thing as a coincidence. In record speed, a span of just seven days and several rounds of interviews, the job had landed on my lap. Just before I hit the “sent” button to accept the offer, I again consulted my Goddess cards. This time, I picked only one card, asking for the message to be loud and clear. It could not have been more succinct: “Bast — Independent: Your independence is a foundation for your strength and success.” I couldn’t, I just couldn’t say no.

I also need to thank those of you who might have witnessed my decline whilst at Hua Hin and is already starting to worry about my welfare.

While it might sound all glamorous on the surface, I have no illusions, much less this time than before. Exactly cause I’ve been through it once, I know for a fact how different it is going to these very ulu, exotic destinations as a guest as opposed to an employee. Unlike the former who come to wine, dine and be pampered from top to toe, taking off as soon as they’d like, we the staff are there to slog, and the environment we’re in, exactly because the location is sooo remote, will be, as my prospective spa manager puts it, pretty much like a goldfish bowl. Yep, I’m going to have to make lots of adjustments, more so than previously.

While Hua Hin was an impossibly small town, it was afterall still on the mainland. In contrast, the Hilton Maldives is located on two islands, which is nothing but the resort, somewhere out in the Indian Ocean. In fact, the only way to reach it is by seaplane! In preparing me psychologically, my manager shared with me that in all the nine months she’s been with the company, she’s only left the island twice. Really?… You know what that means… no more riding in cars, no more going to the cinema, no more actual shopping (the gift shop hardly counts), no more eating out anywhere else other than the resort’s restaurants, no more even simply going to the local convenience store to get a pack of chips or chocolates!!! Whoa… major readjustments indeed! Quite frankly, it will be a whole new way of living, wouldn’t it?! Am I petrified? You can betcha life on it! But am I also just that itsy-bitsy bit excited? Yes, Siree!

So my dear friends, even as I seem to be recklessly charging forth into a lion’s den once again, and might potentially emerge battered and scarred, I ask that you can be patient with me. At this point, I suddenly recall two bookmarks I once owned that had these Eleanor Roosevelt quotes on them: “A woman is like a tea bag — you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water” and “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” Indeed I seek your compassion even as I take the next step to discover my strength and purpose.

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