Homesick
18 Jul 2007 — So it’s been a while since you last heard from me, well lucky me, I managed to sneak away for another holiday. Yep, was back in Singapore for another 10 days the last couple of weeks. And yes, managed to surprise both my parents and William again. Billie was heading back for Aelvin’s wedding, and seeing how it was only 3 weeks since our last vacation, I thought there was no way I’d be able to go, but well, what do I have to lose by trying right? So I asked Tara, and she was like, “Sure babe, I don’t see a problem.” When your boss lets you go, you don’t ask questions, you just go.
It was nice to go back to do some catching up. ‘Cos the last trip, we were so swamped we hardly spent any time with family and friends, and before we knew what hit us, we were already shipping out. For those of you I didn’t see though, please accept my apologies but this trip was really very much a family-oriented trip, spending lots of time with parents, grandparents and nanny. Yeah, William and I finally got to meet his dad, whom we’ve not seen in 6/7 years! Made a trip up to Ipoh to visit his mum and also spent a couple of days in KL with his dad. As testament to how family-focused I was, even though the Great Singapore Sale was still on, I didn’t make a single trip to town and didn’t buy a single item of clothing!!! So thank you for understanding if you did not receive a call from us. Wendy, I did try to call you several times but couldn’t contact you. Will catch up next time k?
I’ve been back 3 days now and for some reason, I’m like heaps more homesick this time than I was last time. Somehow I miss William a lot more than the previous trip back, probably because I was still on a wedding high. This time I’m just so upset that I’m not going with him, that I won’t be living with him. I started pondering, so yes, I’m homesick, but where was I homesick for? And strangely it seems to be for Sydney. So much that in Male with a few hours to kill before the seaplane transfer, I found myself getting rather emotional at finding a couple of Aussie reminders in the local supermarket.
When I spotted the Blast dishwashing detergent, in my favourite scent no less, I started getting teary.
And these summer rolls, there were my favorites in Australia, there was no way I was passing them over!
You don’t understand… finding these things in the Maldives is like finding gold! Buying these items filled a bit of the void that was starting to engulf me.
I used to tell William with tinges of contempt that he could make any country home because having spent an almost equal amount of time in all the different places he’s been in, he doesn’t really have roots anywhere; he isn’t grounded. Well, I’m starting to feel rather displaced myself. I mean, this whole notion of being homesick for Sydney seems rather bizarre, and even bothers on being pathetic, considering it’s not really my home; we have no roots nor family there, and more likely than not, will not be returning for a while. Somehow though there is a definite sense of longing that I can’t quite ignore. It is undeniably tugging at my heartstrings more so than any other place.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning my back on Singapore, Singapore will always be home-home, and yes, I do still yearn to return at some point to live out the rest of my life. I’m just saying that at this moment, Singapore seems a little less relevant, my memories of it a little distant. As for America? What about it? As of now, other than the fact that Billie is there, it is of utterly no consequence to me.
Quite frankly, I don’t even think it’s so much the place that I’m pining for when I say I miss Sydney, but rather the imprints that Billie and I have carved out there, the life we’ve made. I miss being with him, doing stuff with him, hanging out with him. All those boring mundane usual stuff like having meals, grocery shopping, watching movies, sitting in front of our respective computers ignoring the other person for hours on end. Perhaps I’m just longing for it a little teeny weeny bit more now that we are officially married. Like that would really make a difference having been together the last 11 years?!?
Home is where the heart is, so possibly I’m homesick because he’s just not here. And perhaps I’m getting old, I’ve definitely felt the transition ever since the BIG 3-0, but I got thinking the other day, in a life of 70 odd years, I’ve already given up one year in which to spend with Billie, can I really afford to give up any more? Weiling once asked me, “How do you know William’s THE one?” And I replied, “Cause there are days when I think one lifetime is way too short to spend with him.” So in reply to my own question, I think not. This shall be my last stint. Luckily for Ah Bi, my biological clock is also ticking.