26 August 2006 — I’m now into my last week, 4 working days and counting… Can’t wait to leave. Having said that, hmm… feeling rather despondent this morning. Went for morning brief, and as usual the GM goes through the guest arrival list, never failing to tell us how how influential, powerful and most importantly, RICH these so-and-so people are. Sigh… and I think to myself, how do these people even get to where they are anyway. To have THAT sort of money and power. And geez… how far away I am from that. Not that I’m even anywhere near their league (not yet anyway), but here I will be again, unemployed in a week’s time. Sigh… feeling like such a loser at 30-to-be. And always at the back of my mind, my mum’s voice haunting me: “…you’re going to be 30, and you’ve not really worked one day of your life…” Damn, and I was so sure this time I was on to something good…

Not that I think I will be learning much more if I continued to stay here, in fact, getting really sick of these health and wellness consultations. Man, day in day out, I’m repeating the same stuff over and over again, just to different faces. Yes, that’s all they are now. With 2 of us doing a job meant for 5, there really isn’t the time nor the energy to add that personal touch. At times, I even go into auto-pilot, letting my body and voice do the work whilst I just hover in mid-air, looking down and thinking how phoney I sound. And when I even begin to think about the abyss that separates the superficial experience of a guest’s stay as opposed to the behind-the-scenes reality… how farcical it all is… well, like Ken the TCM guy here said, “Don’t even get me started.”

So yes, I know THIS isn’t where I’m meant to be, and I’m definitely not doing the work I’m meant to do either. Somewhere within I know I’m meant for bigger and greater things… but all the same, at the moment, the overriding gut reaction is HOW? WHEN? WHERE? And also how did I end up here in the first place? What was I meant to learn from this experience.

Over and over, I’m beginning and beginning. Sigh… so tired of beginning. I think of the next few months ahead, the BIG move to the States, and I’m caught between a tightness in my chest and just wanting to retch. Wherein lies the day when I can say, “Yes, now I feel truly accomplished.” Been there, done that yet anyone?