15 July 2006 — Hi everyone, sorry been a bit lazy since I got back to Hua Hin. Partly ‘cos I’m oredi facing the comp the whole day at work, so the last thing I want to be doing after work is stare at it somemore. But definitely the bigger reason is the unbearable slow internet connection that pervades the whole of HH, and may I be so bold as to say the whole of Thailand?!? So yes, I’ve been particularly motivated today, got off my butt, so as promised, we’re back to Djemma el Fna. So why crazy and intense? Erm, perhaps a pictorial explanation might explain this a little better. So here it is by day…

Lots of carts peddling their wares…
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26 June 2006 — The part of town that Wil and I are staying in is known as the Medina, which is the old city. Traditionally, in the centre of any Moroccan city lies a square where just about everything happens. Marrakech was no exception. In fact, its main square, the Djemaa el Fna, is supposedly one of the biggest and busiest on the continent, and I couldn’t agree more. With its throngs of dancers, water sellers, acrobats, strolling magicians, storytellers, henna artists and peddlers dealing in all manner of goods, the place truly pulsates with the energy of a quintessential African marketplace. And even if not the biggest, this square has got to be the most mystical I’ve come across. No wonder that Djemma el Fna was proclaimed “masterpiece of the oral and intangible heritage of humanity” by Unesco (the medina is also a Unesco World Heritage site).

These photos were taken from the Grand Salon, a three storey café/restaurant where mint tea and Coke were double the price of elsewhere but the crowds flock for the view from its rooftop terrace.

Me and my 10 dirham (A$1.55) mint tea. Can you see the fresh mint leaves?

But more of Djemma el Fna later. By day, it isn’t half as interesting as when night falls, when the place truly comes alive. So we’ll track back this way in a bit.
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25 June 2006 — Just had lunch of chawarma de poulet and I find myself now blogging on one of the complimentary computers provided here at ICANN Marrakech. Yup, 4 hours till Billie is done, just gone off to attend some IDN (Internationalised Domain Names) workshop. So where is Marrakech? It’s in Morocco, Africa. I know, c’est tres bizarre. I still haven’t quite registered that I’m really here either. Before I proceed to expound on all the adventures that we’ve had to date, let me just take a sec to thank all of you who sent me such kind words of encouragement after reading my last blog. It hadn’t been easy, but I’ve ploughed through knowing I had this upcoming trip, which is kind of why I’m here to begin with. I just needed to get away, away from Hua Hin. My attitude was “anywhere will do really” and of course the farther the better. So when William was informed that he would be attending this conference and thus had to cut his stay in Hua Hin short, the crazy idea of “why don’t I follow him” was conjured and executed in no time. And yes, just a week later, I find myself here.

But believe you me, Marrakech is no easy place on the planet to get to. For myself, it was 3 different flights from Bangkok to Zurich to Barcelona to Marrakech. For Billie, ‘cos he was so sweet as to join me in Bangkok, it was 5 freaking flights from Sydney to Singapore to Bangkok to Zurich to Barcelona and only finally to Marrakech! But of course if you had plenty of moolah and don’t mind paying double the price, there’s always the more straight-forward option of just flying Air France. We flew Swiss Air, and well, let’s just say the phrase “it just isn’t Sing Air, is it” kept running through my mind like some broken recorder. Other than the teeny-tiny seats, the food portions were also miniscule. And geez, no hot towel on arrival, no constant offerings of water or juices, no ice-cream after your meal proper, no 5702 movie channels, no “friendly skies” smiles, IT JUST ISN’T SING AIR, IS IT?

I mean, when you have to stir your tea with the other end of your already-used knife…

With certain things… there’s just no turning back is there? Especially not when you’ve had a taste of Raffles Class, twice. Having said that, I will just add that at least the service didn’t suck big-time and the flight attendants weren’t all old, wrinkled and jaded like on BA and Qantas! And well, we did get here in one piece.
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17 June 2006 — William just left Hua Hin yesterday, together with Jeff and Serene. Later today, they are all heading back to their respective homes. At this point, I yearn to leave with them…

It has been a month since I last wrote. In this place, time is protracted, daily events are intensified, and a month feels more like three. I have not been in much of a mood to write, nor speak. Haven’t felt this insular in a long while. Smiling requires effort. But I do so people around me won’t bug me about how I am. For them I flash my pearly whites and pretend everything is ok.

Inside, numbness resides. I guess it is still better than the state I was in on the 4th of June when William arrived. Back then, I was a mess. The isolation I felt at that point was so severe that against my own better judgment, I crumbled and SOSed him for help. I knew he would come. And yes, his presence here has been very comforting. Of course the surprise of having Jeff and Serene in Bangkok and then later here in Hua Hin has also helped immensely. I think as we get older, we really appreciate our old friends more and more. The ease of being around them, the understanding that you don’t have to try.

I did not realize I would miss that quite so much. Yes, the ease of being around William. To know in silence he is there for me, always. Over the years, I guess I have taken that for granted. It is good perhaps to reawaken the gratitude I feel.

I realize it’s not just him that I miss when he’s not around. I miss the me, the inner self that comes out to play when I am around him. He lets me be. The absolute freedom to be.

Now amongst strangers, in an environment where I am constantly being watched and judged, I have lost that freedom. I am consciously “policing” myself. Yes, my initial naïve impression of CS is unraveling at the seams even as we speak… there is so much more than meets the eye. I feel weary just approaching the subject, and more so, a claustrophobic sense of heaviness.

Thailand is the land of smiles, and now having lived here, that smile is not as innocent as it seems. There is no such thing as a harmless question. It is seemingly impossible in this place where every drop of information you manage to squeeze out of someone becomes fodder for grand imaginary fantasies, often harsh, unforgiving and malicious in nature. At first I tried not to care, but it takes effort, not caring, and after a while, it starts to drain you, not caring. And you start to get paranoid, you start to doubt everyone around you, you question their real motive. It just gets way too tiring, and so I’ve learnt to be quiet, to silence myself. I play no more.

If I was amongst family and peers, I might put up a better fight. But on my own, it’s just easier to “fit in”. Why fight a losing battle…

And now… what now my friends? Now, I withdraw, letting my guard down no more. I play the game, the role that is required of me. The work is good and hence I’ll stay, but when the day comes that I have stopped learning, then I’ll know to go. In the meantime, I’ll tolerate it. For a while more, I think I can. Numbness is good for now, there’s no pain with numbness. And in this silence I’ll wait. I’ll wait it out. Hopefully this phase too shall pass…